This post really doesn’t have a whole lot to do with the Monster. This one is about myself and who I use to be.
When I wrote my 1st blog post I knew I would have some “friends” to send me messages or texts. And sure enough within 5 minutes or so they were sending them. The types of messages I got from my “friends” were encouraging and some might think wonderful..but they weren’t. Some of them asked why I didn’t say anything to them..even though I did, I said the Monster was in therapy, he had to go see a specialist at Riley’s Children’s Hospital. But my “friends” never asked what for. They never asked how he was doing or how Mike and I were doing.
Some other “friends” gave us the encouraging words of you guys are so strong….Yep we are strong, but in all honesty we aren’t that strong..and maybe if you would have taken the time to ask how I was handling things then you would know that I’m having a rough time.
When I wrote my 1st blog post I guess I expected things to change from certain people, I expected people who I thought were my best friends would change. They didn’t, I am still yet to be asked how the Monster is actually doing..and how I am doing. And it’s not like I haven’t talked to some of them..like I said some of the people I had in mind while writing it contacted me as soon as I was done…but they haven’t taken the time to ask how everything was going or how I was doing..or just ask about it in general. It was swept under the rug. These people that I have trusted swept it under the rug, just like the sweep everything else under the rug. Some of them I have known since I was a kid, others since high school. So here is what I think…I expect too much from people who have never really cared about me. So as I move on with my journey with the Monster, I will move on from them. But something has bothered me since I wrote my 1st blog post. I had someone that I barely talk to be a better friend than anyone. The worst part…I wasn’t the nicest person to her when I was 18. I know..you all are probably thinking well you were 18..a teenager…oh well get over it. And I agree, but the part that bothers me is she is being a friend..unlike my actual “friends” and it bothers me because I could have been her friend when I was 18, I could have been nice to her.
The type of person I was when I was 18 wasn’t this horrible person, but I let others around me encourage me to not want to be friends with her. And even though I wish I could blame my “friends” its not their fault. I wasn’t the nicest person, I just wanted to fit in just like everyone else. So it was mine. But it’s really sad when you have all these “friends” and not 1 of them is really a good friend. Someone who has been a stranger to you for the past 5 years or so is a better friend than any of them. So I decided to ask her why she was being so nice to me, because I don’t people to feel bad for me. and she replied and the part of her reply that bothers me.. was this “No one got to know me for who I truly am.” How true is that…I have always been the go with the flow type. So I sort of followed if that was the thing to do. But I’m not innocent in that type of way, I was also the ringleader when it came to certain things. I have also always been the comedian type of any group. I like to make people laugh and sometimes my crazy actics and jokes about others have been the way to get others to laugh. It has always been easier to laugh at someone else’s situation good or bad than just say what was bothering me. So instead of talking about my feelings..I decided to laugh at others lives and situations. And thats just sad..because I am not perfect..not even close. No wonder my “friends” never thought anything was wrong..I was too busy covering it all up, but I let my voice be known through my 1st blog and here I am waiting for someone to call me and say, “lets have lunch…and we can talk about how your doing.” But nope, at the end of the day its someone who has been a stranger to me the past 5 years or so who is willing to be my friend.
The saddest part..I always thought my “friends” were going to be the ones to hold my hand through every hard time…and they are no where to be found. Even after I called them out over the internet for the world can see. It will always somehow be about them, they were too busy to even get the message I wrote about them..or too much in denial. I’m just thankful that I am different now. I’m glad I’m not who I was 5 or so years ago. I’m also thankful that I am not 1 of those type of “friends” either.
The best part about all of this is people change. Not because you grow up, not because you get married and have kids. People change because they want to. I can’t force someone to listen, I can’t force someone to change and be a better friend. But I can make new ones. So my real message to my old “friends” is goodbye. I’m so glad I have an awesome family to support us and be there for us. So here to making new friends and saying goodbye to the old ones. I am done letting other people who don’t care hurt me.