The message is actually GoodBye Old Friends

Posted: July 11, 2012 in Uncategorized

This post really doesn’t have a whole lot to do with the Monster. This one is about myself and  who I use to be.

When I wrote my 1st blog post I knew I would have some “friends” to send me messages or texts. And sure enough within 5 minutes or so they were sending them. The types of messages I got from my “friends” were encouraging and some might think wonderful..but they weren’t. Some of them asked why I didn’t say anything to them..even though I did, I said the Monster was in therapy, he had to go see a specialist at Riley’s Children’s Hospital. But my “friends” never asked what for. They never asked how he was doing or how Mike and I were doing.

Some other “friends” gave us the encouraging words of you guys are so strong….Yep we are strong, but in all honesty we aren’t that strong..and maybe if you would have taken the time to ask how I was handling things then you would know that I’m having a rough time.

When I wrote my 1st blog post I guess I expected things to change from certain people, I expected people who I thought were my best friends would change. They didn’t, I am still yet to be asked how the Monster is actually doing..and how I am doing. And it’s not like I haven’t talked to some of I said some of the people I had in mind while writing it contacted me as soon as I was done…but they haven’t taken the time to ask how everything was going or how I was doing..or just ask about it in general. It was swept under the rug. These people that I have trusted swept it under the rug, just like the sweep everything else under the rug. Some of them I have known since I was a kid, others since high school. So here is what I think…I expect too much from people who have never really cared about me. So as I move on with my journey with the Monster, I will move on from them. But something has bothered me since I wrote my 1st blog post. I had someone that I barely talk to be a better friend than anyone. The worst part…I wasn’t the nicest person to her when I was 18. I all are probably thinking well you were 18..a teenager…oh well get over it. And I agree, but the part that bothers me is she is being a friend..unlike my actual “friends” and it bothers me because I could have been her friend when I was 18, I could have been nice to her.

The type of person I was when I was 18 wasn’t this horrible person, but I let others around me encourage me to not want to be friends with her. And even though I wish I could blame my “friends” its not their fault. I wasn’t the nicest person, I just wanted to fit in just like everyone else. So it was mine. But it’s really sad when you have all these “friends” and not 1 of them is really a good friend. Someone who has been a stranger to you for the past 5 years or so is a better friend than any of them. So I decided to ask her why she was being so nice to me, because I don’t people to feel bad for me. and she replied and the part of her reply that bothers me.. was this “No one got to know me for who I truly am.” How true is that…I have always been the go with the flow type. So I sort of followed if that was the thing to do. But I’m not innocent in that type of way, I was also the ringleader when it came to certain things. I have also always been the comedian type of any group. I like to make people laugh and sometimes my crazy actics and jokes about others have been the way to get others to laugh. It has always been easier to laugh at someone else’s situation good or bad than just say what was bothering me. So instead of talking about my feelings..I decided to laugh at others lives and situations. And thats just sad..because I am not perfect..not even close. No wonder my “friends” never thought anything was wrong..I was too busy covering it all up, but I let my voice be known through my 1st blog and here I am waiting for someone to call me and say, “lets have lunch…and we can talk about how your doing.” But nope, at the end of the day its someone who has been a stranger to me the past 5 years or so who is willing to be my friend.

The saddest part..I always thought my “friends” were going to be the ones to hold my hand through every hard time…and they are no where to be found. Even after I called them out over the internet for the world can see. It will always somehow be about them, they were too busy to even get the message I wrote about them..or too much in denial. I’m just thankful that I am different now. I’m glad I’m not who I was 5 or so years ago. I’m also thankful that I am not 1 of those type of “friends” either.

The best part about all of this is people change. Not because you grow up, not because you get married and have kids. People change because they want to. I can’t force someone to listen, I can’t force someone to change and be a better friend. But I can make new ones. So my real message to my old “friends” is goodbye. I’m so glad I have an awesome family to support us and be there for us. So here to making new friends and saying goodbye to the old ones. I am done letting other people who don’t care hurt me.

  1. Julia says:

    This happens to us all. It’s sad and disappointing with all we are going through when our kids get their dx and we all seem to have this experience. I’m glad you have family and some friends that care. One thing that was a light-bulb moment for me recently and has provided food for thought: I wasn’t invited to a birthday party for a friend recently. We have grown apart over the last four years since my son’s dx. My first thought was – not fair…don’t people realise I’d like an invite – even if I have to say no most of the time. Then A couple of things dawned on me 1) I DO say no all the time – so why even bother with the invite. 2) Why would she have someone at her party who talks about nothing but Autism. I realised that it’s all well and good to find like-minded friends…we definately need them. BUT most of the ‘problem’ doesn’t come from my ‘old’ friends but from ME. I’m no longer available and even when I am all I can talk about is the probs with my son. What a downer. Now, this hasn’t changed the fact that most of my life revolves around Autism…it’s simply a survival mechanism, but it has forced me to consider things from my friends’ side of the fence and cut everyone (including myself) a bit of social slack.

    • I understand, but my problem is my friends. I’m not saying that i am innoccent by any means…but I don’t talk about autism 24/7…I have moved in a different direction while they still sit and ponder their same story. Again I’m not saying that I am an angel, but in all honesty my friends are no where to be found now. I have taken my life into a new place, not just because I have to but because I want to. But I can agree that its prolly hard for them to relate when it comes to my child, but it doesn’t give anyone reason to stop being ur friend. Maybe they just weren’t as of a friend as you though. and just because you ALWAYS say no doesn’t mean you don’t Deserve an invite.

  2. melissa says:

    im with u this. my so called friends are no were to be found and when they are its about them what there doing. they ask me how im doing and before i can say anything they rant about their own problems. dont get me wrong im there for my friends when they call or i invite them to my house if they just need a good cry. i cant just drop everything im doing and run for them and for that they get mad. i have asked them to watch my kids for an hr or two so i can run to the drs they either dont answer me or they have other plans. dont get me wrong i dont expect them to watch my kids but dont expect me to drop everything to be there for u when u cant even answer a text email or phone call from me. we all need friends adult people to talk to that may not get it but will at least listen to u and let u rant or tell them about whats going on in ur life as much as they tell u. friendship can not be one sided. i miss hanging out with adults and talking to them but its very hard for me to make friends im very shy. it gets lonely when all there is is me and my three kids. so i get it. when i said good bye to my past i morned it but i knew it was the best for me and my family. good luck and hold on to ur new friend. she sounds like a real nice person ur very lucky. :}

  3. Kim says:

    I’ve had the same thing happen to me..Not with all of my friends but with a few of them. I’m the same as you, I’m the joker, the one that makes everyone laugh and when I was trying to have a serious conversation about a serious topic, they didn’t “get” me anymore. It sucks and I don’t have an answer. But as we grow as adults and parents sometimes they do seem stuck in the same life. If you wanted to talk about Autism 24/7, that’s okay! Its your life and what is going on it!! Its the same kind of thing when your friend is dating a new guy and constantly gushing about him, ya know? Its all the same, just different topics. What I’m trying to say (very poorly) is that a true friend would be willing to listen, and be a shoulder to cry on or a crutch to lean on even if all you talked about was Autism. Its okay. I know as a parent of a differently-abled child, this road is lonely..even lonelier when “friends” turn out not to be. I can’t tell you it will get better, as I’m still stuck there too. But I can tell you that as you refocus your attention on getting your son the help he needs, new people will emerge that will matter in your life..Slowly but it will happen. It might be someone on the same journey as you or just someone who seems to “fit” at the time. I know that it hurts but it is truly their loss. They have lost out not only on a great friend but being touched by someone with Autism who could have changed the outlook on their world forever.

  4. Stacy Trujillo says:

    Hi… I was wondering if you could just answer a few questions for me?? How did you get brave enough to decide to do a Facebook page and/or blog? And.. Is it helpful to you, and is anyone in your family offended? I’m asking because I have a 14 year old Aspie and a 5 yr old with multiple medical issues a possible Aspergers (it takes forever to be diagnosed here). I have been tossing around the idea and think it would be positive, but don’t want to offend anyone and really don’t know how to go about starting it… 
    Also, god bless you and good luck! You are a strong woman and mom!! It’s a long road, but a beautiful journey!!! 

    • For almost a year I have known my son was autistic. I have battled with feeling guilty over things and blaming myself. I know I am not the reason of him being autistic..but sometimes I get this feeling over me. I just wanted to talk about how I felt about the world around me now. I look at everything differently mostly because I have to. It has helped me a little bit, but the feedback from other parents is what helps the most. We as parents have a battle itself…we as parents of autistic children have a battle plus a war. I don’t care if I offended my “friends” and I think I actually have, but again I have been going through hell with my emotions since like August or so of last year…so I was the one that needed a friend. And they decided not to be there when I needed them the most. Oh well, I have my readers and people on my FB page! And 1 of the readers once told me even though we may never meet you will become best friends with some of us..and that is so true! I say write one and if you offend someone obviously they offended you first 🙂 good luck!

  5. Nicole says:

    This blog really touched me. I always find a sense of relief and happiness whenever I blog or write in my diary. I hope that you know that I am here for you (when my phone is connected lol )I and I am always up for lunch. Or a movie. I love and miss you sweetie!
    I know that we discussed a little bit about how both of our friends have dismissed us in our time of need. Unfortunately that seems to happen as we get older. I still have trouble dealing with it. It hurts to this day to know that I can be forgotten so quickly and effortlessly. I am sorry that this has happened to you as well.

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