What I wanted in the 1st Place

Posted: August 13, 2012 in Uncategorized

Today is one of those days where I can’t help but remember what I wanted in the first place. As you all know my son was diagnosed with classic autism recently. And honestly I must say Mike and I have dealt with it the best we can and the best we can seem to be a lot better than some others. I can say that I am lucky, I have a husband who loves our son unconditionally and likes to sit in with therapy. He has missed a few sessions, but mostly because I told him to get rest since he works nights. I have an amazing support system, my parents and my sisters love the Monster beyond words. I am one of the lucky ones..but it still gets hard.
Recently I read a blog post from Autism Daddy (I’m sure 99.9% know who I am talking about) And a lot of his readers ask him how he is so accepting because his son has autism. And I know where AD is coming from, he wasn’t happy with the diagnosis. I love that he explained everything the best way he could, if you have not read this blog post by him http://autism-daddy.blogspot.com/2012/08/you-how-did-you-accept-fact-that-your.html read it 🙂
So I have decided to answer that question also because when I started blogging and started my FB page I had a lot of people praise me on starting so soon. So how I have dealt with the diagnosis, why I didn’t cry when leaving the doctors, how I have managed to not just go crazy…its been hard. It has been really hard, but I have kept 1 thing in mind, the 1 thing I wanted in the first place…
I have said before how much autism sucks. I hate the meltdowns, I hate that the Monster only eats certain foods. I go to the trouble of making a big dinner and I have to make him something different because he won’t eat it. It just sucks! I hate that I have to be my son’s voice, I want him to talk so bad. And with him being diagnosed with classic autism every single day that goes by is another day he might not ever talk. I want him to tell me what is going on, I want him to say “mamma” and say “I love you.” I mourn over that. I hate the stemming, I hate that he gets distracted over the smallest littlest thing. For example yesterday when we were walking into a store he had to look at the cars. He had to watch the cars go by (he loves cars).
I hate a lot things about autism, but I don’t focus on those things that I hate so much because I love my son. I vent because I need to, not because I always want to say how much it sucks. But another thing that helps is I look at a few things that have been positive lately. I love that he is now learning (with help) to drink out of a water/pop bottle. I love that he has learned to clap, I love that he understands certain things now like what “cup” actually means. And what “no” means. I love that he is learning. I love how interacts with people. He LOVES people, he LOVES his therapists and I love that he is so excited to be around people. I love that he is starting to watch what Mike and I do, because that is another step to him learning something new. When I look at him I don’t look at autism, I see him. He is happy, he is taken care of, he is healthy. For almost a year we knew that the Monster had autism, we started right away getting him in therapy and taking him to doctors appointments. It took us awhile to get in to see a specialist to get the official diagnosis, but we knew a while ago what we were dealing with. I have done more than enough research what to expect and different types of therapy that could help with this and with that.
No matter how much autism sucks, it’s not who my child is. It’s just what he has. So that brings me back to the beginning I can’t help but remember what I wanted. The Monster was no surprise to us, we were trying to have a child, we wanted a child. We talked before I got pregnant about what it would be like after we had a child. We talked about what life would be like when I got pregnant, we were like any other soon to be parent. I asked Mike a million questions and Mike answered every single question with the same answer “I would still love our baby no matter what.” I still ask Mike those questions because I like to be reminded how much unconditional love he has for the Monster. Especially after hearing how many fathers bail out on their family that has a child with autism. And after every talk we have always came up with the same answer, the same reason we will love him no matter what. “As long as he is happy.” We have said this a million times. For every question we have asked each other, for every new stem that the Monster started doing, it always comes back to “as long as he is happy.” Because that was what we wanted before he was born every question was answered with “I would still love our baby no matter what.” And at the end of the day it was answered with “as long as he is happy.”
So even though the autism part just sucks, I will still love my baby no matter what. And as long as he is happy then I will be happy for him. That is what every parent wants is their child to be happy right? That is how I deal with autism, I don’t just vent about the bad to help me get things off my chest. I get through every day thinking as long as he is happy then who cares. I just want the best for him and whats better than him being happy? I can answer that..Nothing is! That is how it is easy for me to deal with autism every single day, every long night, every meltdown and every other thing. At the end of the day as long as he is happy! I’m okay! 🙂

  1. Tina Williamson says:

    Love this post! I have two sons with autism and relate to a lot of what you write and feel. Thank you for sharing your families journey. 🙂 I had a little cry reading this one because yesterday I heard my youngest singing to himself ( amazingly!) and I could truly see how happy he was. In that moment all the struggles and tireless efforts we put in together to help both our boys was not the most important thing in my mind – it was that he was happy and it made me so happy too!

  2. whitney says:

    I don’t have any children of my own, so I can’t begin to understand what you go through everyday. I work as a nanny as well as a therapist for kids on the spectrum, so I get a taste, but it’s not the same. I can’t tell you how much I respect and admire you. Your courage, your endless support and love for your son, and the willingness to keep going, every day even though you know it won’t be easy.

    For whatever it’s worth, you’re an amazing woman, and I truly am awed by what you do everyday. Good for you. Keep it up, and know that there’s silent supporters wishing you well and hoping for the best. ❤

    • Thank you! This is amazing when I read someone who is so supportive! I want to say thank you also for being a therapist I give my sons therapist a lot of credit because I am sure at the end of a bad day they are ready to pull their hair out! Awesome job you guys do!

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