Even though I write this blog MOSTLY because of my son’s autism and whatever is bothering me. Today I am writing about something that has affected me since March. I posted in my first blog post how I had a cousin pass away back in March, I can honestly tell you that it has affected me so much. I think of him so often and my life is forever changed. A few days ago I had a dream and it had to do with my cousin, And since then I haven’t been sleeping very well. My cousin and I grew apart. We went down two very different paths. I cannot begin to tell you how much I miss him. Words cannot express the pain that I go through. I don’t remember the last time I talked to him, I don’t remember if I said “see ya around.” I don’t remember if I said, “I love you.” I don’t remember the last words I ever spoke to him. This is the hardest blog I have ever written. Talking about my cousin always brings up a ton of emotions. I am sad for the fact that he is gone, but I am so angry with myself for not ever remembering my last goodbye to him. I have dealt with a lot this past year. Getting the Monster diagnosed took a lot out of me. And when March 15th came around and hearing the news that my cousin had passed away, I didn’t know a death could affect me as bad as it has.
Even though we were not close the last few years, I cannot begin to describe the type of connection and bond I had with him. Growing up he was my best friend. He was like my little brother to me and if he ever needed anything no matter what I would have been there to help him. We spent every summer together, we spent almost every weekend together. I cannot describe how much pain I am in with missing him. I feel like part of my childhood was buried with him. And I think mostly because I never got to tell him goodbye, I never got to say my last words to him that I wanted to say. Even though I visit his grave very often I don’t feel like I really get the chance to say how I feel. So I am going to tell him now.
I cannot tell you how much you meant to me in words. I cannot express how much I miss and love you, but I’m going to try. I never got a chance to tell you how much of an impact you had in my life. So here it is, you were my best friend and no matter what happened between us I’m glad I was lucky enough to have you in my life. I am happy that I was blessed with a best friend growing up and I am beyond grateful that best friend was you. I can remember our memories as if they were yesterday, the good and the bad. I wouldn’t trade them for anything, they somehow made me who I am today. You had a kindness in your heart that nobody could take away and I wish more people got to see that. You were the type of person that would give your last 5 dollars to a friend in need. You were more than just a cousin or a best friend, you were my little brother. I’m sorry for the times I didn’t protect you, but could have. I’m sorry for the years that have passed since the last time I seen you. I’m sorry that I never got the chance to tell you I am proud of who you were because your heart was more important than anything about you. I take the Monster out to visit where you were laid to rest, I tell him stories of us growing up on the way out there. I plan on telling him about you and important you were to me. I will make your good memories live on, because that is what is important. I want to remember every good memory of you, I want to remember who you truly were. I just want you to know that I love you and thank you for being my best friend.
When you lose a loved one, it affects you in so many different ways. I can honestly say I never thought I would hurt so bad. I just needed to say my goodbye somehow, and this letter to you was it.