Forgiving. Moving on. But Never Forgetting.

Posted: September 26, 2012 in Uncategorized

I can’t remember one name that I was called, but I can still remember how bad it hurt. I was only twelve when I started getting bullied and the bullying started right before my thirteenth birthday. It was over the Internet, I was getting messages from girls calling me different names. I wasn’t popular then, I didn’t have many friends at all. I was very much a loner and was beyond shy in school (which is a shock because I am loud mouth now). I remember hating my summer break, mostly because I was scared I would continued to be bullied when I went back to school. Every time I got on line, someone else was sending me messages. They were never nice, they were never kind..they were always hurtful. I had just turned thirteen and was going back to school.

My seventh grade year had started and I remember that horrible feeling in my stomach with having to go back to school. I can’t remember the names I was called. I can only remember how much it hurt, how bad words actually hurt..no matter what was being said..it still hurt. No matter what new clothes or shoes I bought, it wouldn’t make a difference. I was target because I was an easy target. It took only 1 person to stand up for me and after that people actually got to know me. I was invited to birthday parties, sleepovers, I for some reason hung out with a few people who were the ones that had bullied me. I guess because I was given the chance to fit in, so I took it. Not to mention they were kids themselves. I learned to forgive every single bully, I learned to move past being bullied, but I can’t forget it.

I hear many stories about people being bullied and if their story is even a little similar to mine..I still go back to the seventh grade. All these emotions start to come back, the emptiness I felt, thinking about it makes me nervous, but I can’t forget it. I can remember how I felt as if it was happening that very moment. Words hurt, they sting and that sting stays. I battled depression because of being bullied and I have since battled depression. Things like suicide and self harm. Nobody should ever have to think of those things or even do those things. Thinking about suicide is a scary thought, cutting yourself is an easy release of your pain but it doesn’t make things better. Now that I am a mom, I can’t help but worry about the Monster. Even more now because of his autism.

Why did I choose to write this blog? Because maybe someone will get the point that words hurt. Maybe someone needs to know that their are other people that understand what you are going through or went through. Or maybe this is my way of expressing how I feel because I haven’t forgotten. Now their is so many different organizations to help stop bullying. To help stop self harm. Organizations like ‘Love is Louder’ and ‘To Write Love on Her Arms’ they help and knowing that people are out to listen or know what you are going through. I have been there and I remember those feelings a little too well. Learning to forgive the bullies is actually the easy part. Moving on is the hard part. Not being able to forget is the worst part. Just remember don’t take the easy way out, it does get easier. Take it from someone who was there and who had many of those bad thoughts..it really does get easier. I still have days when I think back to when I was getting bullied and I think about how much it hurt. And I even break down because of it. I cry to Mike about it and even though he can’t make it better..it helps to just remember where I am today. Who I am today. Because it is easier.

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Comments
  1. Kim says:

    Very well written..I was also bullied when I was younger. It was so bad..It’s part of the reason why school is so hard for me now, as a 31 year old mom. My 7th and 8th grade years were horrible..I had a suicide plan all figured out. I was getting ready to leave school and the one friend that I did have, who know nothing about how I was feeling or my plans, caught me trying to skip and talked me into staying. It wasn’t until years later that she found out she truly saved my life. Then when I was a sophomore in high school, I had a severe allergic reaction to a pillow. My face broke out in 3 layers of zits. Kids were so mean. I would get to class and there would be Clearasil or other acne cream or body wash in my chair. I only made it through because my boyfriend at the time looked past my skin. I, also, still get emotional about thinking about it to this day. When my son gets picked on for being “different” I instantly have that feeling in my stomach and I want revenge but the mom in me knows that it isn’t right. Thank you for writing this because it is just 1 person that can help..One person that can change things. I hope as our kids get older, acceptance will become the norm and bullying will go away. Wishful thinking? Maybe..But it’s always better to try to be positive 🙂

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