Is This It?

Posted: October 22, 2012 in Uncategorized

Is this it? I often wonder if this is it. If this is how it is going to be for the rest of our lives. You  know, the rest of our lives as in the lack of sleep, the therapy sessions, the battle of different foods, the worry of will he have seizures? Will he ever talk? Is potty training in the near future? I am in one of those moods, I am down on myself. It is getting close to 4 in the morning and the Monster is going around the room looking for something new to interest him. And I can’t help think “is this it?”

Before people start saying “wow! what a shitty mom for talking like that. She should be happy her child isn’t dying of some type of disease” and whatever else some of you plan on saying. I will start of by saying my son is beyond amazing! I love him beyond words and for the most part I was very understanding of his diagnosis. I started my blog right away, I spoke with other autism parents. As soon as the signs were there we got him into the doctor and started therapy as soon as we could. We didn’t deny that his autism was there, the signs were there and we knew and we were for the most part okay with it. I am okay with it. Autism or not he is my son, I love him and my love for him is unconditional. I just cannot help but wonder “is this it?”

I have so many questions unanswered and it’s eating me alive some days, days like today. I know no matter what his autism isn’t going away, but where will he eventually fall onto the spectrum? Right now he is still learning so much and it is amazing how fast he is learning and how far he has came since starting this whole journey before therapy and before our Riley visit.

What if he never talks? I can’t help but wonder will I just be okay with it? I don’t think I will be. I don’t think I will be okay if he never talks. I am excited because he has been repeating words like “what” and “coke” and sometimes “daddy, dada, dad.” And then I go back to this it? Is this all he will talk? Will we have to keep looking for signs of what he wants instead of him being able to tell us he is hungry or thirsty?

Then I can’t help but think of the potty training. Is he too severe to be potty trained? I don’t think so, but I don’t know where he is going to be down the road in 10 years on the spectrum either. I am okay with changing diapers for the rest of my life. Why? Because I have unconditional love for my son, that’s what a mother does. She does whatever it takes to be there, to be as best as possible. Will it suck? Yeah. But that is just part of it and I am okay with that. Every single day, I will be okay with it because I love him.

Will he ever eat a bigger variety of food than he eats now? and the seizures, will he get those? Will they start sometime out of the blue? Will he get silent seizures and we won’t pay enough attention to know what they are? Where does this leave me? The same place before the diagnosis, confused, lost, worried, scared and accepting. I accepted so easily that my son was autistic.

When we officially got the diagnosis, it was on June 28th of this year and I didn’t even cry. I didn’t even deny it. I sorta felt like I didn’t even care that he got the diagnosis. I think because I already knew. I knew it was autism since last August. I accepted it then, before I went into that room for evaluation. I accepted it long before the official diagnosis. But why am I feeling this way?

Then the big question…am I doing enough? I always thought so. He is making major progress. Especially compared to where he was a year ago. But maybe my enough isn’t actually enough for him. Maybe I can do more. Can’t we all do more for our children? I know the spectrum is so wide, but where does he fall on it? How severe is he? Will he ever talk? Is this it? Is this the only “normal” I will ever know?

I guess what I am asking is this the rest of my life along with his? I know autism is there and I am not denying it, but will it get better. I hear from other people it does get easier the older he gets. I hear from a different group that it doesn’t, it only gets harder the older they get. Where does he fall? Is this our “normal?” And if so, will my questions and worries get answered soon? I want him to thrive throughout his life. So is this enough for him too? I go back to another blog I wrote about remembering what I wanted in the first place. When my husband and I first found out we were expecting we couldn’t be happier and the only thing we wanted in the first place was for a healthy and happy child. And we got it, we have a happy little boy and he is healthy. What more could I ask for. I guess the talking and potty training. Him eating a little more of a variety of foods. I can ask for a lot of things. So I guess I will ask is for a sign that shows me where we will be in a few years? Where he will be in a few years? Talking, potty trained, eating better, no seizures…the list goes on and on. Until then it is just another 4 a.m. bed time here, nothing out of the ordinary for us.

  1. kermommy says:

    Funny, I think the only voices saying, “wow! what a shitty mom for talking like that. She should be happy her child isn’t dying of some type of disease” are coming from our own heads. We do our best for our kids, we are tired, sometimes cranky, sometimes unreasonable, sometimes just depressed as hell. We are human. Moments of wondering if we are ever going to make it are something we are entitled to, I think. We over-analyze our own thoughts and feelings about our kids and ourselves and autism and the world of therapies, services and whatever else and we get overwhelmed. Then we stop, breathe, and go on. It gets better. Even if our kids don’t develop the skills or language we would hope for them, it gets better. We find our rhythm along with our kids, we stop fighting the stuff we can’t change, and get the rest done. The voices don’t go away, but we get answers we can live with…not always like, but live with.

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