At The End of My Rope

Posted: January 11, 2013 in Uncategorized

I’m feeling at the end of my rope with things and I don’t know what to do. I’m losing my mind, along with my temper. I’m starting to feel a little lost in this whole autism world. When usually I was a step ahead of everything. I’m not having to google more stuff, when I thought I had googled everything.
When does it stop? When will I finally get over it? Coping with the diagnosis I thought was easy, but now it’s not. In 2 months he will be 3 years old and I keep thinking the older he gets, the less chances he has at things. Things like talking and doing the things that we want him to. I’m being selfish, I feel selfish for thinking this.
Yesterday, spending 5 minutes at ‘Jump It’ was what sent me over on this. He didn’t want to play and I couldn’t help but think that my heart shattered once again. Another thing that he doesn’t want to do. Another thing that he doesn’t enjoy. Things are starting to get less and less on what he enjoys. Or what he finds interesting and he is only 2. What is it actually going to be like when he is 10?
I keep going back to when we got the official diagnosis. I wasn’t emotional at all, I guess because I knew he was already autistic. I knew he was on the spectrum somewhere. I guess the reason why I am having a hard time right now is because I don’t know what is next. I don’t know where to go from here. He is starting school after he turns 3, but then what? Where do we look for services. What happens when school is out for the summer? Where do we find resources now? Is now the time to look into a service dog? Should we look for ABA therapy now? How do we get through Christmas break? What about spring break and fall break? What does the list of what to do end? Being at the end of the rope sucks.
Autism sucks. Having your heart broke because your child doesn’t enjoy the things they you once enjoyed when you were a kid. Watching them struggle to do a simple task is hard. Speaking to them and them having no clue or idea what is going on, so then they have a meltdown. A meltdown that you see too often and then you start to lose it. You lose your mind. You are backed into a corner with things and you have no idea where to go or what to do. And then you wish it. You wish for the “normal”. Admit it. You have wished it too. You wished that your child was just like any other child at one point since the diagnosis. It doesn’t make you a bad parent, it makes you a human being.
Then you go all the way back to the beginning. You blame yourself, “If only I did this…” “If only I didn’t do this…” “I should have listened to my doctor better…” “I should have spaced out his shots more….” “I….I should have….” Everything comes back to you. I blamed myself, i sometimes still do. I’m human right? And then I ask myself, “Why me?” “Why us?”
This takes me back to Christmas and how my son doesn’t understand or “get” any part of the holiday. (Christmas Traditions) and how I was heartbroken. I really wish I didn’t suggest going yesterday, maybe I wouldn’t be feeling this way today…

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Comments
  1. I know how you’re feeling and I feel the same way…my son turned 3 in November and is doing good at school, they offer summer school at his program so that will be god for him; but I have the same questions should we be doing more therapies?? Will he enjoy “normal” play one day? But right now we just have to go one step at a time and hope for the best! 🙂

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